Tag: Twelve Step Facilitation

As a mentor and friend, a sponsor supports every part of your recovery progress, and plays a vital role in guiding your recovery journey. Whether by answering questions, holding you accountable, or just listening, they can help you commit to healing. Sponsors can help in any phase of recovery, especially when you’re newly sober.

Having a sponsor in addiction recovery isn’t mandatory. However, most 12-Step programs encourage you to find one. To do that, it’s important to understand the purpose of this relationship.

What Does a Sponsor Do?

A sponsor does a lot of different things, but their primary role is to offer guidance. In most 12-Step programs, a sponsor is a senior member¹ who has been sober for at least a year. With personal experience in recovery, they can help you learn how to work the 12 Steps. 

Sponsorship is one of the key differences between 12-Step vs. non-12-Step programs. Studies show sponsorship leads to better recovery outcomes.² Once you connect with your sponsor, you can come to them with any questions about addiction and the program itself. For example, say you have a few tough weeks and miss a couple of meetings. Expect a call from your sponsor to get you back on track. Your sponsor’s job is to hold you accountable, encouraging you to do the work to attain and maintain your sobriety.

Qualities of a Good Sponsor

A good sponsor is there for you but also knows when to let you figure things out for yourself. You should always feel comfortable reaching out to them for help. Here are some qualities to look for in a sponsor:³

• They can guide you in the right direction: Your sponsor can answer your questions about membership, the 12 Steps, and addiction. They’ll also encourage your program attendance and participation. A good sponsor knows you’re responsible for yourself and capable of making your own decisions. Still, they’ll give you a nudge to keep you moving forward if you ever need it.
• They set boundaries: It’s always okay to ask your sponsor for support. But a good sponsor lets you know when contacting them is appropriate. You can agree on times and ways to connect that work for both of you. 
• They listen and offer support: Your sponsor is there to advise and support you—but they’re not your therapist. A good sponsor knows when a professional should step in. They may even connect you with outside resources.
• They’re patient: Addiction recovery takes time. A good sponsor understands that you’ll face challenges as you adjust to sobriety. They’ll keep supporting you even when you’re having a hard time.
• They understand you: With an understanding sponsor, it’s easier to ask for help. You might seek someone with a similar background to yours. Maybe you’re a mom of 4. A sponsor who has been through motherhood and addiction might understand you on a deeper level. But everyone’s needs are different. Sometimes it’s better to find a sponsor with a different history of addiction. You never know what you can learn from a new perspective. Considering your unique recovery goals can help you find the right fit.

What Does a Sponsor Not Do?

There are some things your sponsor shouldn’t do.⁴ Even if you like them as a person, you should be wary if your sponsor shows any red flags: 

• They impose their personal views on you: Your sponsor shouldn’t judge your recovery process. They might have similar experiences, but only you know what’s best for you. A sponsor should never urge you to make a decision based solely on their own beliefs. 
• You’re already close with them: It’s not a good idea to have a loved one as your sponsor. You should be able to trust your sponsor and open up to them. Sometimes, personal relationships can lead to bias.
• They exploit you: Your sponsor should never try to take advantage of you. Anyone in early recovery is in a vulnerable space. Your sponsor should understand that and do everything they can to empower you.
• They’re not engaged in the program: If your sponsor regularly misses meetings, or you question their sobriety, they likely aren’t the best person to help you.
• They believe they have every answer: A good sponsor isn’t afraid to say, “I don’t know.” If you feel like your sponsor always thinks they’re right or never considers another way, they might not be a good choice.

If you notice red flags like these, reach out to trusted members of your support network, both in and outside of AA. You can also talk to your therapist. And remember: you always have the right to change sponsors. AA’s literature on sponsorship⁵ specifies: 

We are always free to select another sponsor with whom we feel more comfortable, particularly if we believe this member will be more helpful to our growth in A.A.

How to Find a Sponsor

Typically, the process of finding a sponsor is informal. You might notice someone in the 12-Step program you admire. Maybe their outlook on sobriety inspires you, or they seem very open and honest. All you have to do is ask them to be your sponsor. Then, they can either accept or decline.

As a newcomer, you can also ask around the program. At some meetings, the leader may ask people who want to become sponsors to raise their hands. You can also ask people you meet if they know of anyone interested in taking on that role.

Your Responsibilities as a Sponsee

Just like your sponsor, you’ll have certain responsibilities in this relationship. Here are some tips to be a good sponsee:

• Show up: Attending meetings regularly helps you stay on track. Try to let your sponsor know in advance if you have to miss a meeting.
• Respect your sponsor’s boundaries: After you and your sponsor agree on boundaries, it’s important to honor them. Your sponsor has their own responsibilities outside of your recovery process. Of course, there may be times when you need to call them out of the blue. But this is an opportunity to practice building respectful relationships. Recognizing the other person’s needs is an important part of that process.
• Work the 12 Steps: Show your sponsor that you’re just as committed to your recovery as they are. You can do this by working the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous or another 12-Step program. Sometimes you might leave meetings with assignments. Dedicate time to work on your sobriety outside of the program. Then, talk to your sponsor about your progress.
• Don’t overshare: It’s easy to overshare as you become more comfortable with your sponsor. There’s nothing wrong with seeing your sponsor as a friend. But your sponsor isn’t your partner, your parent, or a clinician. They’re just one person in your wider support network. 

In most 12-Step programs, your sponsor plays an integral role. Still, many people reach sobriety without a sponsor at any point in addiction recovery. It all depends on what makes the most sense for your recovery process. 

Learn more about sponsorship and 12-Step rehab programs that might be a good fit for you.

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Frequently Asked Questions About AA Sponsorship

While there are only 12 official steps in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), you might hear about an unofficial “13th Step.” This term refers to a romantic or sexual relationship between an AA veteran and a new member. 

Even if your feelings are real, these relationships can be very harmful. People just joining AA are typically in the early stages of sobriety. This is a vulnerable time. Long-term AA members can easily take advantage of newcomers, whether they mean to or not. 

You have the right to feel safe in your recovery. If an AA member makes you uncomfortable, check in with your support network. This might include your therapist, your sponsor, or other AA members with whom you have a trusting relationship.

Taking the 13th Step or “13th Stepping” 

The 13th Step isn’t just about sex.¹ There’s a power imbalance between people in different stages of healing. AA veterans often have authority within their group, especially over new members. By dating or having sex with people in early recovery, 13th Steppers take advantage of their position.

Many people are vulnerable when they first join AA.² If drinking has damaged your past relationships, you might be socially isolated. At the same time, most AA newcomers are still learning how to set healthy boundaries. So you might turn to long-term members for advice and emotional support. 

At first, 13th Steppers may seem like trustworthy role models—and many veteran AA members have the best intentions. But others use 12-Step meetings to look for newcomers they can pursue. And because most 12-Step groups are relatively informal,³ it can be hard to hold members accountable.

Who’s Considered a 13th Stepper?

It’s important to note that anyone can be a 13th Stepper.⁴ The term refers to the power dynamic between long-term and recent sobriety. Age, gender and other aspects of identity can add to a 13th Stepper’s apparent authority.

Are Any Intimate Relationships Possible Within AA?

While some 13th Steppers actively prey on people who are new to the program, these dynamics aren’t always black and white. For example, some experienced AA members may feel genuinely attracted to a new member. And for many people in recovery, it’s easier to date people who share your history of addiction. It could even seem like starting an intimate relationship within AA will support your healing process.

However, 13th Stepping isn’t that simple. It puts AA veterans in a sponsor-like role that can boost their self-esteem. It can also make newcomers feel indebted to their partners. Often, these dangers outweigh any potential benefits. 

If you’ve been sober for some time, you might be able to date someone with a similar history. When you meet on equal terms, the power dynamics of the 13th Step may not apply. But any romance within AA can still affect your recovery. Even relationships between peers can end dramatically. In that case, seeing each other at meetings could be painful. If you decide to date someone else in recovery, it’s safer to make sure each of you has your own sober support network.

The Dangers of 13th Stepping

When you’re new to the 12 Steps, AA meetings are a place to find support, solace and community. The 13th Step has the opposite effect. When veterans prey on newcomers, dating in early recovery can increase your risk of relapse.⁵ 

Takes Time and Energy Away From Recovery

It’s standard advice in AA to abstain from starting a new romantic relationship⁶ for the first year of recovery. During that time, it’s essential to focus on yourself. New sexual relationships take up a lot of time and energy. As comforting as that can be, they also distract you from healing.

Increases Stress

Even positive relationships increase stress, which is a major contributor to relapse.⁷ And going through a breakup is even more stressful. It can also jeopardize your emotional safety within your AA group.

Alienates Newcomers From AA

13th Stepping is predatory. When AA veterans make sexual advances, they put unfair pressure on new members. The new person might feel like if they say no, they’ll have to leave the group. That cuts them off from valuable community support. 

Puts Newcomers at Risk

13th Stepping isn’t only distracting and isolating; it can also cause outright harm. There are documented cases of predatory AA veterans assaulting newcomers. Monica Richardson’s film The 13th Step⁸ describes many of these cases, exposing how some AA members take advantage of people in early recovery.

13th Stepping is not only dangerous, but indicates a need for additional professional help. If someone shifts from managing their addiction to predatory behavior, this could be a sign of other behaviors that require attention.

How to Best Navigate a 12-Step Program

A 13th Stepper’s predatory behavior is never the newcomer’s fault. But if you join AA, you can still take certain precautions to keep yourself safe during early recovery. 

Consider a Break From Dating and Intimacy

Dating and intimacy can distract you from the healing process. By taking a break, you prioritize your own needs. You can use this time to get to know yourself in this new phase of your life. When you’re ready to date again, you’ll have a much clearer sense of what you want in a romantic relationship.

Get Community Support

If someone in AA makes you uncomfortable, talk to other members you trust. Consult the literature, ask your sponsor, and check in with loved ones. You can also ask your therapist what they think. When other people know what’s happening, they can hold both you and the other group member accountable.

Learn About Sponsorship

Sponsors are there to help you work the Steps.⁹ They shouldn’t coerce you to make a particular decision, and they should never have sex with you. In this dynamic, even consensual sex is harmful. If your sponsor acts inappropriately, you have every right to end the relationship and find a new sponsor. 

Observe and Report Predatory Behavior

12-Step veterans with good intentions don’t make advances on newcomers. If you notice someone making sexual advances—toward you or another new member—keep your distance. You can also talk to other group members about what’s happening. If that doesn’t help, you can leave and look for a different 12-Step group in the area or online. 

Find a 12-Step Program That Works for You

The 13th Step can cause serious harm. It’s important to be aware of this dangerous dynamic, so you can focus on your healing process. People seeking support for addiction recovery deserve to feel safe in AA. 
Every 12-Step group is unique. If you think the 12 Steps would be a good fit for you, search 12-Step rehab programs to begin your recovery journey.

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Frequently Asked Questions About 13th Stepping

Even if you’re just starting recovery, you’ve probably heard of the 12 Steps. This philosophy started in Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.), and has grown into countless other 12-Step groups and rehab programs. For many people, the 12 Steps are central to the process of healing. 

But how effective are the 12 Steps, really? Some people swear by them—but they’re not right for everyone. When you’re planning your recovery, it’s important to choose the best possible approach for you. That could include 12-Step rehab, alternative treatment, or something else entirely. 

What is Alcoholics Annonymous?

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is an international fellowship of men and women who have struggled with alcohol addiction. AA is a non-profit organization that operates on a voluntary basis, and its members support each other in their journey towards sobriety.

The program is based on the twelve steps, which are spiritual principles that guide individuals towards a new way of living. The steps involve admitting powerlessness over alcohol, making a moral inventory of oneself, making amends to those harmed by addiction, and seeking spiritual guidance.

AA meetings are held regularly and provide a supportive environment for members to share their experiences, strength, and hope with each other. Members are encouraged to work with a sponsor, who is someone further along in the program and can provide guidance and support.

AA does not endorse or promote any particular religion or belief system and is open to anyone who wants to stop drinking. The anonymity of members is respected, and the organization is self-supporting through contributions from its members.

Understanding the 12 Steps of AA

Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) began in the 1930s.¹ It was co-founded by Bill Wilson—or Bill W.—and his colleague Dr. Bob. Both men were in recovery from alcohol addiction when they met. Through their friendship, they realized how crucial peer support was for their sobriety. Over time they developed the 12 Steps and began hosting meetings for other people in addiction recovery.

The 12 Steps themselves are specific actions a person can take to heal from addiction. Step 1, for example, reads “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.” Members of these groups encourage each other to follow these steps toward ongoing sobriety. 

Sponsorship is another core tenet of A.A.² and other 12-Step groups. Members with some experience in recovery can sponsor newer participants. In these 1:1 relationships, sponsors offer support and fellowship. You’ll cultivate a close relationship with your sponsor, so you can call on them for help at any point in your healing journey. 

Faith-Based Recovery

This approach is faith-based, meaning that participants express their faith in a higher power. Despite its roots in Christianity, the 12-Step philosophy welcomes people of any and all religious backgrounds. In Step 3, for instance, members submit themselves “to the care of God as we understood Him.” If you find comfort in spirituality, the 12 Steps might be a good fit during addiction treatment.

Free Meetings Around the World

12-Step groups like A.A. are best known for their free, peer-led meetings. According to the A.A. website, anyone who “wants to do something about their drinking problem”³ is welcome. During a meeting you might pray, listen to a guest speaker, share your story, or hear from other members. Every meeting is a little different, and there are countless sessions to choose from. These meetings take place all over the world—you can even find them online.

The 12 Steps in Rehab

You can follow the 12 Steps on your own, in a peer-led meeting, or in formal addiction treatment. Many rehab programs are based on these ideals. Patients talk about the Steps in individual therapy and in group sessions. You might even attend peer-led meetings, either in your rehab or in the nearby community. If you start following the 12 Steps in rehab, you can easily join a local group once you complete treatment and return home. 

How Effective Is A.A.?

Data shows that A.A. is as effective as other types of addiction treatment.⁴ But it’s not right for everyone. For example, one study found that A.A. had a 42% success rate, compared to the 35% success rate of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). But Deborah Becker, a correspondent for NPR, explains that there’s a lot of nuance behind these numbers. “The thing that the researchers point out is that AA is free,” she says. “You don’t have to make an appointment. It’s open to everyone. And I think that is what they’re saying, is that it saves money, it’s very accessible, and it’s showing these long rates of continuous abstinence.”

Other experts agree that the length of treatment plays a role. While A.A. and other approaches have similar success rates in the short term, the 12 Steps have higher long-term success rates.⁵ But researchers are still gathering data on this issue. We don’t know, for instance, whether other free, peer-led support groups are as effective as A.A. 

Non-12-Step Support Groups

Not everyone draws strength from spirituality, or from fellowship with groups of people. You might prefer 1:1 relationships with care providers or a small circle of loved ones. What’s more, A.A. encourages members to be completely sober.⁶ If you’re taking a harm-reductionist approach to recovery,  A.A. might not be a good fit. There are many other free, peer-led recovery groups to choose from. 

SMART Recovery

In SMART Recovery, SMART stands for Self-Management and Recovery Training. These groups are based on scientific principles instead of encouraging faith-based recovery. Members work toward self-empowerment through behavioral techniques. 

Like A.A., this is a fellowship of people seeking recovery from addiction. Unlike those in A.A., SMART recovery facilitators have some formal training.⁷ They’ll offer concrete advice to help you plan your recovery. As member Jan L. writes, “If you are ready to do the work, and that’s a very big IF, SMART Recovery tools begin to work on day one.⁸ You do not have to come for weeks before you see progress.”

Secular Organizations for Sobriety (S.O.S.)

Secular Organizations for Sobriety, or S.O.S., is a network of groups that take place online and around the world. This non-profit also helps people begin new meetings to support people through addiction recovery. While not every group in S.O.S. shares the same ethos, none of these meetings are religious.

LifeRing Secular Recovery

Members of this organization heal “through the lens of LifeRing’s 3-S philosophy of Sobriety, Secularity, and Self-Help.” They support each other by candidly sharing their experiences and practical tips for recovery. 

LifeRing participants strive to “strengthen the Sober Self” in free meetings,⁹ which take place both in person and online.

Women for Sobriety (WFS)

Unlike other non-12-Step groups, Women for Sobriety (WFS) offers far more than free, peer-led meetings. WFS is a non-profit organization that also performs addiction research, outreach, and helps establish mutual aid networks. They also hold meetings for women in recovery, both in person and online, as well as online chat rooms. Their services are open to all women, including trans women. 

Moderation Management

Moderation Management (MM) takes a harm-reductionist approach to recovery. In other words, these groups don’t require or even recommend that members be totally sober. As one member of their online community writes, “MM has given me something I’ve been missing¹⁰ for a long time: Hope. Hope that I can do this. I can’t imagine a life entirely without alcohol, and now I know I don’t have to. Armed with the tools necessary to feel empowered, I can abstain. And I can moderate. And I can make that decision for myself.”

MM specifically focuses on moderating alcohol use, rather than drug use. These meetings are a good fit for people trying to drink less, who don’t want to cut alcohol out of their lives entirely. 

Alternative Treatment Approaches

While group meetings can be helpful, they’re just one part of an effective recovery plan. Many people also need more formal treatment. That could be as simple as seeing a therapist, or as comprehensive as attending residential rehab. 

If the 12 Steps align with your values, you’ll have many rehab programs to choose from. But just as many rehabs take a different approach to addiction treatment. 

Evidence-Based Treatment

This type of care is founded on robust scientific research. Western medicine includes countless evidence-based treatments for physical and mental health. For example, an evidence-based rehab program might offer:

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
• Medical care, including prescribed medication
• Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)
• Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS)

Most evidence-based care follows predefined treatment protocols. But your provider may still recommend changes based on your exact needs. If you’d like to take this scientific approach to recovery, talk to your doctor or therapist about which specific therapies might be the best fit.

Holistic Treatment

Also called integrated, complementary, or alternative treatment, holistic rehab incorporates a variety of therapies. From acupuncture to naturopathic medicine, these modalities honor each client’s mind, body and spirit. 

Holistic therapies come from global traditions of healing. Some of them, like meditation, are also evidence-based treatments for addiction.¹¹ Others are available in rehab while experts continue to research them. These approaches aren’t offered as a substitute for evidence-based care. But in combination with other treatments, they can be crucial parts of your recovery process. 

Is 12-Step Treatment Right for You?

The 12 Steps work well for people who draw strength from their faith and community. If these values fit well with yours, A.A. or a similar group might be the right way to approach healing. 

If this philosophy is central to your process, you can begin recovery in a 12-Step rehab program.

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Frequently Asked Questions About A.A. Success Rates